My friend Jennifer just blogged about this the other day, and I was already drafting a post in my head about this, as well … so I figured today would be a good day to post about breastfeeding.
I am PROUD to say that I have made it 10 weeks breastfeeding Lucy.
Clearly, she is thriving.
So why is 10 weeks of breastfeeding something worth blogging about?
Well, I was never able to breastfeed Emma, and while I did pump for a while, she eventually went to formula. First things first, I do not regret that decision AT ALL, because it was by far the best decision for us. I applaud those who work and work and work at breastfeeding to make it work, but there came a point when I really felt like I was spending more time pumping and bottle-feeding my kid than I was actually getting to know her.
But Lucy? Well, she latched on and started nursing like a champ from day one. She nursed right through the dreaded engorgement phase in a day and a half. She never had any issues with latch, but even if she got lazy, all I had to do was “correct” her a couple of times, and she’d go back to doing it right.
But there are days when I want to give up and go to formula.
She has reflux. Not the kind where she’s constantly spitting up … no, she has the “silent reflux” (baby heartburn) where she just cries and screams and acts like someone’s stabbing her in the chest after every feeding and throughout the day and night. So she takes medicine 3x’s a day.
ps: giving medicine to a 2-month old makes me want to stab a fork in my eye. I dread it every morning, afternoon and night. She coughs, sputters, chokes … and then her eyes get really big, and I have to calm her down and tell her to breathe.
I also nurse on demand. I don’t believe in scheduled feedings or trying to pacify her through a feeding, so if she wants to eat 7 times a night, I feed her 7 times a night. That’s not always easy, and there have definitely been times when I’ve sat in the rocking chair at 3am crying because she won’t.quit.nursing. And I am so.stinking.tired. And then I want to make a bottle and pass her over to Ken. But it’s only for a short time, and I know I’ll miss this special time I have with just her as soon as it’s over.
I have overactive letdown, so I pretty much choke my baby every time my milk flows down really fast. This is heart-wrenching, especially since that is also one of the causes of her reflux. But I know she’ll get better and will adjust to it.
I don’t like nursing in public. I’m not a shy person at all, and I, personally, don’t have any issues with public breastfeeding. But I know others do, so when I do NIP, I cover up. But Lucy HATES being covered. And she’s a pop-on-and-off eater, so it’s kind of a pain to try to stay covered up as I’m putting her back on 4 or 5 times per session. In the end, nursing in public just isn’t fun for us. So I nurse in the car or in the corner or I simply try not to run errands when I know she’ll need to eat.
I have to think constantly about what I’m eating. When I was formula feeding Emma, I could have 12 cups of coffee a day if I wanted to. Now, I drink one cup of half-caff coffee so that I don’t bother her reflux. And I ration out my caffeine throughout the day so she doesn’t get a boatload of caffeine all in one sitting. Oh, I ate a bunch of shrimp the other night, and she had a horrible day the next day. So no more shrimp for a while. Dude, I used to eat shrimp hibachi at least once a week.
So all of that to say that while I do love being able to nourish my baby, there have been times when I want to quit. There are still days when I am OVER IT. I don’t love it all of the time.
And when I’m looking at Emma who is years ahead of her “scheduled milestones” and is super healthy, and when I’m trapped beneath the baby who won’t quit nursing, and when I remember that Emma was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old on formula, and when I was an expert at making bottles in less than 30 seconds … well, it’s hard to say that breastfeeding is best. (Even though it says so on the formula can!)
But then I look down at Lucy at 3am, and she’s got her hands curled around my breast, and she’s looking me in the eye, and she’s sighing and cooing and smiling while she’s eating.
And oh my goodness, it’s amazing. I am feeding my baby. I am meeting ALL of her nutritional needs. I carried and fed her for 8 months … why shouldn’t I keep doing it?
Good grief, I have it so unbelievably EASY compared to so many moms out there, so who am I to complain about a little medicine? Who am I to complain about a few sleepless nights? Who am I to complain about cutting back on caffeine and giving up certain foods for a few months? (Okay, the shrimp thing really stinks)
I am a mother. When I signed up to be a mother, I signed up to do what was best for me and my child. It’s not always going to be easy. It’s not always going to be the most comfortable thing in the world. But honestly? I have the ability to feed my child for free. I have the ability to give my child what is absolutely best for her without struggling or having to work hard at it.
If I don’t do that, then I need to reevaluate my priorities.
Disclaimer time … please note that I am talking about me. Of course I don’t think that breastfeeding is for everyone. And I don’t judge anyone who doesn’t breastfeed. (Really! I’m not just saying that!) One of my best friends doesn’t breastfeed because she’s simply not comfortable with it, and THAT is what is best for her and her child. I would never suggest that someone be constantly uncomfortable or unhappy feeding their child.
This post is simply going to act as a bookmark.
A bookmark to come back and read whenever I feel like quitting.
A bookmark to remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way. And really, a bookmark to anyone out there who feels guilty for not goo-goo and gah-gah’ing about breastfeeding. It is OKAY to not love breastfeeding 100% of the time. I don’t.
But also a bookmark to remind myself that I can totally keep doing this.
A reminder that, in spite of whatever I think is a “hardship,” it’s not that hard. I have it easy.
And Lucy deserves more of me.
Those thighs deserve mommy milkshakes.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
You*Are*Amazing. I don’t have kids, and actually none of my friends do either. But I love reading your posts about motherhood. You are so honest (and wickedly funny). I really appreciate that. No, I *love* that. And if I ever have kids one day, I’ll use this post as a bookmark too. Thank you for being real.
This is amazing, and I think it’s a good thing for any breastfeeding or new mom to read. It’s not always easy. It’s not always something that babies were born to do, but in the end, the good DOES outweigh the bad for most moms and babies and it is worth it. And I think that in a few weeks, you’re going to find that it does get easier. 12 weeks was always kind of that magic number for me.
Amen, sister. I didn’t have any problems with mine nursing. I know I had it easy. But the third kid? She didn’t sleep. Like, the first was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and the second by 12 weeks. This girl? My last baby? 15 effing months. And *I* was it. She didn’t want daddy, she wouldn’t take a pacifier (and I spent a buttload of money on ALL the different kinds of binkies trying to get her to take one), she only wanted my boob in her mouth. When she finally started sleeping through the night is about the time we naturally weaned, and it took me 3 months to feel normal again. And it was hard and exhausting and I cried a lot. Well, to be honest, *we* cried a lot. :)
But today she is a healthy, strong 4yo (almost 5) who is a spitfire and I think back fondly to the days of no sleep and wonder what happened to my baby.
Btw, I love Lucy’s cheeks and those rolly thighs. And hang in there.
Kirsten´s last [type] ..Running
Jackson had the silent reflux. Ella’s is loud and screaming.
Your post is like you crawled into my brain. And thanks for reminding me to find the Bumbo.
I breastfed two kids for three years straight (both of them to about 18-19 months old) – I was someone that did NOT breastfeed for her first child (I was 20), didn’t even consider it. It wasn’t easy – I fed on demand like you (for 3 years straight) – and now that they are 12 and 10 – I’m so glad I did. Thanks for putting another face on the challenges of breastfeeding :)
I just want to hop in the car and drive the two hours to high five you, hug you, and smooch your chunky little baby girl.
This is awesome and I’m so proud and I HEAR EVERY WORD YOU’RE SAYING.
There have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up nursing Liv. Other moms I know who formula feed and started solids early try to be sympathetic with me, “Oh I’m so sorry she’s not sleeping through the night! Mine was from 10 weeks on!”
I want to stab them.
You keep going, honey, for as long as you can/want and be proud of every moment.
Love
I love you, Kelli. I get it totally. I bf dd for 6 HORRID weeks. Formula fed- she slept, she’s smart like Emma, seriously, formula can’t be THAT bad, right?? When DS came along I was DETERMINED to do it. It was HARD. He was a great eater, but a horrible spit-upper, didn’t grow well after 6 months, and ate 3 times a night until he was 10 months old (when we went to formula). I get it. I was over it a LOT. At 10 months I was REALLY over it and finally just quit in which case I finally felt like myself again. I am proud that I was able to overcome and prove to myself that my body CAN nurse a baby successfully. It’s a feeling you really can’t get anywhere else. I was the same way as you- didn’t like NIP and basically planned my life around when he might nurse- which was about every hour to hour and a half the entire time (yes all 10 months). I do believe that it was worth it. I’m not sure I’ll make myself do it for the full 10 months next time that I did last time….but I do think there’s something about proving to yourself that you can do it, and you can do it well. Lucy looks great :)
I love this post. You are so real. Love it!
Sarah´s last [type] ..Before & After
Congrats on 10 weeks. I hear you on the not sleeping thru the night. The only way I cope is by bedsharing. My daughter still wakes up at least once to latch on and she’s 19 months now. But, I truly love breastfeeding. It can be time consuming when she goes on a marathon, but it’s about so much more than food, ya know. And it’s really the only time I can catch up on tv. ;)
Coral had silent reflux. And I have overactive letdown. Luckily, the Zantac worked wonders (it really is a horrible giving medicine to such a small person, isn’t it?? I struggled with the idea of even medicating her.). She was not a great sleeper, either. I feel your pain, Keli! That sweet little girl is thriving, though. You’re clearly doing an awesome job. ;)
marie´s last [type] ..its a boy!
You are amazing keep it up! It gets easier and you can start eating more of what you miss once she gets a little older. :)
I set small goals to help me get through the first year. But I did, it gets easier the longer you BF with a few bumps in the road here and there. Breastfeeding is one of the few things I’m most proud of.
Ashley´s last [type] ..Pretty boring
I have 4 kids, all breastfed. Some slept through the night from birth and some really, really didn’t. Formula or breast, every kid is different and some are just harder!!
I never had any problems BFing so formula was never on the table just bc everything went so smoothly. That said, it took me a long time to feel warm and fuzzy about BFing. Nothing was wrong, it was just always me, all the time and my milk leaked everywhere and it stunk and it was sticky and my 1st never was a cuddly, gratifying baby and he was really, really fussy. Now that I’m on kid 4 I can kind of sing the rainbows and magic praises of BFing, but often not. I don’t think it’s BFing so much as being a mother is HARD. It’s 24/7 and it wears me down after awhile. Especially right now as my 4mo will only sleep while touching me and mama needs a BREAK :)
Anyway – you’re normal AND you rock!!
I am not sure how i found you, but love your blog. My kids are 12, 14 and adopted a 3 yr old. I bf my birthchildren. They are and have always been so healthy. I loved it for the most part, just not the beginning, and not in public. But noticed with my second, i just did it more in public because i had an older one who was going to playgroups, library, etc. I think it should be done modestly, but it was so nice not to have to carry around bottles. Especiallly if we went on a trip. I was not able to nurse our third, because she was adopted and came to us at a year old. Thankfully, she is pretty healthy. She just has allergies more than the other two. I know some people cant nurse, and that is cool, but am thankful I was able to.
YES. I agree with so much of this post! I did not love breastfeeding. Did not. There were things about it I liked but overall – I did not get that lovely gushy sort of feeling from it. I was proud I fed my baby and did what was good for her and me, we did it for 6 months including going back to work (though my milk supply could not keep up once I was back to work since I could not pump whenever I wanted – teacher, so I have scheduled breaks). I am proud of it, I was proud while I was doing it. I would sometimes pump before I left the house so I had a bottle of breastmilk with me to avoid feeding in public. I have no problem with other Moms when they NIP but it did NOT work for us, for many reasons. I was embarrassed to not be able to say I loved it and the connection I got while nursing my baby, really – for us it was not so much a bonding time. I got judged whenever I said that. I adore my daughter, I am proud to have breastfed. But if it wasn’t so good for her, I would not have done it at all. I just didn’t love it, for so many reasons. But I was proud of it, and it was amazing to watch her grow and thrive from only what my body provided.
You’re doing such a great job! I just wanted to encourage you in your search for reflux healing. My little guy had reflux as a newborn and I tried everything under the sun (changed my diet, herbal drops…) until his Dr suggested we try a chiropractor. Guess what? 3 visits and he was cured! Here’s my blog post about it if you’re interested: http://alittlemcd.blogspot.com/2010/03/reflux-what-reflux.html
Keep up the good work, you’re one amazing Mama!
Diane´s last [type] ..Bugged
Fabulous post, Keli! I struggled breastfeeding the twins from the start. The neonatologist even told me if we didn’t have it down by the time the twins got out of the NICU (a week), that we would probably not be successful.
I ignored her and kept on pumping and feeding the breastmilk to them via bottles. I did this for weeks and weeks and weeks and finally one day we all just “got it” and I successfully breastfed them until they were 10 months old!
Melissa-Shrinking Jeans´s last [type] ..Monster Mash
You are doing such an awesome job!! I love how honest and real your posts are..and Lucy is one happy and healthy looking little girl! You know..I really believe that breastfeeding is one of those things that really clicks after the first 3-4 months or so. At least for me it did..I had the overactive letdown too but suddenly it seemed to adjust and just kind of became easy. Of course, I’m not saying that is true for everyone. Everyone is different and nobody should be judged for their decisions. Keep up the good work..clearly you are doing an amazing job! Also..you said Lucy didn’t like to be covered while NIP. Do you have a hooter hider? I didn’t get one until my second and it is SO much easier than trying to use blankets which are hard to place right and come off. If you don’t have a hooter hider I am sending you one I have in the goodwill pile..seriously, I’ve been holding onto it to try to find it a good home.
Teresa´s last [type] ..Lissa and Darren tie the knot!
okay i think we are twins. our stories are so similar!
i hope that the reflux goes away…ours did around 4 months so hopefully you will get that!
I am now at almost 8 months of breastfeeding and I am so amazed cause I was the same and did formula with the first due to milk issues. I am not a huge fan of doing it and I always wonder if something is wrong with me cause people always say how much they love it.
Eisley hates being covered too, the thing that works best is the hooter hider cause it seems to have more open space for her but i feel you, i feel you so much in this post!
Courtney´s last [type] ..you capture!
I read this post earlier today on my phone while I was — you guessed it — nursing Mackenzie. Again. For the bazillionth time today. Or tonight. Whatever time it is right now. :) My husband had just tried to convince me to “just buy enough formula to spend a day at the spa” — ha! (But I was seriously considering it.)
Thank you so much for your honesty, and for always saying what I’m thinking but don’t have the courage to say. You may not be comfortable nursing in public (I’m not either – I totally do the car or rearrange my schedule thing), but I love that you’re a real mom “in public.” The parenting/mothering/breastfeeding books I read can be so intimidating, so it’s great to read a post like this one and know that it’s not just me, that there are other moms out there doing the best they can for their little ones.
Dee Wilcox´s last [type] ..Art Everyday 2010
She is the most delicious thing. Oh my heavens! I feel the exact same way you do. Whatever works for you. I could really care less what people decide : ) I just want them to be happy. Some people make such a huge deal out of it. It makes me laugh! Life is way to short for me to worry about how my family and friends decide to feed their kid : ), right?
I love your pictures of your little bundle. She is positively perfect. If I ever do get to breast feed you can be darn sure I will be an on demand feeder as well! Those people with their schedules….they blow my mind. But again, whatever works for them. If it makes them happy to live like that then God bless ‘em! : )
Life with Kaishon´s last [type] ..Happy Fall to one and all
This was beautifully written :) And so honest! I wish more moms would be honest about breastfeeding. Then I would have felt more prepared for the 24 nursing around the clock, cracked and bleeding nipples, mastitis, engorgement, and bad case of thrush we had.
But we persevered as well, because I knew in my heart that this is how I wanted to feed my child.
And I am here to tell you it DOES get easier! I promise! I felt exactly the same way you did when Jaina was 8 weeks old. By the time she was 4 months old, my perspective on nursing had changed so much. I felt like it was SO easy! Formula and bottles never even crossed my mind after that mark because those seemed like the big hassles instead :)
I am super proud of you for nursing this long! It is a milestone and one you should be proud of. But you and I both know that parenting is not about formula or breastmilk. Its about forming that bond and attachment with our babies. And I think you’ve done an excellent job both times :)
Jess´s last [type] ..To Blog or Not to Blog
My oldest was born with a cleft lip and palate. I pumped for about 3 weeks and then had to give up. As much as I wish I could have continued, it definatly drove me to nurse the other two. As hard as it is, you are going to be so proud of yourself! You are doing a great job. BTW, I love the honesty you express in your blog, be it about nursing or a messy living room. So often we try to portray perfection when we benefit so much more from sharing our struggles with other mommies who are going through the same things we are!
Christine´s last [type] ..Thankful Thursday
You are so right. Breastfeeding is SO HARD sometimes. I have a hard time nursing in public too. Blake is a very distracted pop-on-and-off kind of eater, so it’s hard to keep from exposing myself. I’m like you… I time outings around feedings, and feed him in as private a place as possible (usually the car).
But it’s so rewarding. Like when he screams the whole way home and is super upset… I lay down to feed him and he curls up with me to eat… Best. Feeling. Ever. It’s like everything’s suddenly ok.
Sometimes I don’t ever want it to end. But a constant intake of caffeine does sound appealing… :-)
WE ARE DOING THIS! Can you believe it? I am so proud of us for making it. Especially you because MAN, the reflux? That is rough.
And your explanation of why you wrote the post- as a bookmark to go back to- is exactly why I wrote mine. Because I know there will still be days when I want to give up, but I need to remember how far I’ve come. I made it through the REALLY tough stuff, so the bad days in the future are nothing. Right? :)
Rockstars!
Jen´s last [type] ..in which I pat myself on the back just a little bit
Good job, mamma! I lasted pumping for five months. I nursed for the first two.
It is sooooooooooooo hard. I was just like you. Feed on demand, with a kid who wanted to be on/off, on/off… and I’m not so comfy nursing in public, either. I bought the cutest cover ups from Etsy, but hardly used them because I found I would rather just stay home.
Recently I took Maddie for her check up, and the doc asked about food. I must have kind of hung my head or something when I said “well, we are on formula now, I lasted 5 months pumping.”
She said “Wow, I only made it a few weeks with mine.”
To hear my pediatrician admit how difficult it was made me feel so much less guilty about it.
You are doing awesome.
However long you last, you’ve made it this far and that is an accomplishment.
You should be proud, mamma!
xoxo
emily´s last [type] ..My sweet butterfly
oh, p.s. — regarding schedules.
I think when a baby is really tiny, feeding on demand is best. But after a certain amount of maturity sets in at 4,5,6 months, scheduling is not so far fetched, as long as it isn’t totally inflexible, you know?
It took me awhile to understand the benefits of a scheduled bedtime routine with Zoey, but with Maddie I started a pretty strict bedtime routine really young. She gets a bottle, a nice bowl of oatmeal, and then a warm bath every night about the same time. I know it has helped with keeping her sleeping longer. (although she still only sleeps 3-4 hours a clip, and that is with solid foods AND formula!)
Anyway, I would have previously said scheduling feeding is ridiculous, but now I think it’s not insane. It just needs to be like everything else — handled with a dose of common sense.
xoxo
emily´s last [type] ..My sweet butterfly